Crossroads work vs mind

It’s funny how sometimes in life you just want to run away from all the bad or negativity in your life to a time or place that just has brought you smiles.  I realized how taking the day off from work I felt more like myself then for the last 9 months should tell me something but there are too many responsibilities to ignore

1.        My student loans.  More than half of my minimal payment goes towards the interest instead of the principal. Don’t get all happy when you receive one because paying it will hurt more than those late nights of studying or partying.

2.       Have a major holiday planned in the last 2 years.  Do I sacrifice my own mental needs to get my holiday paid for?  Or do I live off my tax return? 

3.       Mentally, what can I handle?  Now that I’ve cracked at work, it’s hard to stay in a place that makes you so unhappy.  I know my answer but my stubbornness refuses to let me quit.

Right now I’m in a fragile state where I don’t want to be at work but obligations keep there.   My trip won’t be for another 6 weeks and it will seem like an eternity of getting there.  It’s getting harder to see the positive that will come out of this situation. I can’t even talk about my work situation without cracking now.  I hate being a quitter but it looks like I will be again.

 It sucks knowing that a lot of people say it’s not so bad but until you have walked in my shoes and vice versa then those comments just add to my stress.  In my eyes, these are not words of comfort but instead of come on is it really that bad.  Let’s just say when you feel like you’re trapped in a box those words are just that words. 

I am trying to deal with the cards I am given this round and let’s just say my poker face is shot and folding looks ideal but your gut keeps telling you hang in there and take a chance.  In the end you have to take risk and chances in life.  Some will pay out and some will set you up for a better hand and that is what I am hoping for. 

Am I doing the jobs I graduated for?   No.  I want to practice my art but that ship has long sailed and let’s just say I’m content to move on until I reach a point in life where I don’t have to worry about my financial responsibilities.