A Summer Reflection:

I began to realize that life is passing by and I still don’t know what I want to do since coming back home from my mission’s trip 3 years ago. Over the last few months I have been doing some thinking about what I want in my future and what it is important for my life.  Since being home, something has been missing in my heart and I didn’t realize what it was until I went to HK and Japan I realized what was missing in my life.  Teaching overseas, the independence of being in a foreign country, being needed or supported for something I had the heart and determination to do when I faced so many obstacles that broke my heart but gave me the strength to continue on.  I had so much passion for something that everything just does not compare anymore.  There is nothing right now to keep me home except the financial responsibility to pay off my student loans and life insurance that should be done in 3 to 4 years.

Going through a little bit of depression, stress and understanding of my situation is that we can never live  a perfect or ideal life because if we do, we endanger ourselves to a point of being too comfortable with our situation and never growing or never realizing that we need to grow.  Reflecting what has happened over the last few months have made me realize that life is not about the petty things in life that just work like a pot hole in life but instead they are reminders that you are human and it is okay to go through these things because it is just another step in life to guide you into the person God wants you to be and it also allows you to help others later on who go through these situations.

I know that God has always been there for me and allowed certain people to come into my life to guide me in to becoming a woman for God’s heart.  I’ve realized that going through all the hardships with other Christians and people allowed me to literally scream to God why me and how does this help me.  Once you understand why certain things happen to you is in my mind the only way you can move on with life and understand life more.  Is my walk like how it was before, no but am I rebuilding yes.  There are times where renovations to your walk need to be done so that your support does not come from others but more on God who is the corner stone to life.

Looking for love is a irrational thing that just does not make sense to me right now.  I see too much hurt in so many relationships that it really scares me from opening my heart to trust someone with it.  Yes I know there are some genuine love stories out there but it just does not suit me right now.  Why is that once a girl hits her 30’s the panic button becomes bigger to press or becomes like the easy button from Staples for parents to use?   I am content with my life of independence but I can’t find the right reasons to settle down because people tell me to or that they want to see me have a family are not logical answers to me. 

For me I cannot commit to anything with my heart wanting to return to Japan to teach and outreach.  I guess that is the stubborn side to me where I have a set dream and I will go for it.  It was funny being in Japan this year, after being away for 3 years things just felt like home and the only regret I had was leaving again in such a rush.  Being home, there has always been a little sadness in my life that cannot be forgotten.   I guess with the craziness that surrounds me at home, at work and personally just makes me want to return to a place with more peace among the chaos.

~ by mymessydrawer on July 21, 2008.