Ponder: Reflection, my uneventful misses of a lackluster love interests in my life..
How many times will I have to pick up the cards in my life to figure out how each moment is leading me to the next chapter in my life? Every time I want more in life it feels like I lose the grip in life and the cards fly out and I have to pick up the pieces to regroup.I am beginning to realize that something is missing in my life and I am slowly realizing how important it is to have someone there in your life to share and be with. It is beginning to feel like everyone is hooking up and I am Bridget Jones sitting at the dinner table surrounded by all the couples that appear like they are happy and then they turn the conversation to me sitting by myself and ask me why single women in their 30’s aren’t married these days.
Before I knew it, I’m going to be 30 this year and I’m left scratching my head wondering where the time went and what have I really done to be proud about? In the last five years, I’ve lived with many regrets and for the most part is not going for the guys I met in school that I found interest in or bonded with the most. There was one tall guy that I thought he is the type of guy I would look for to date and have a relationship with and was blown away at how perfect his life seemed to be, going away for school, devoted to God and nice. But reality set in when he came back and I tried talking to him about life in general and found out he was still finding himself and who his friends were.
There was one guy, I’ll just call him MrT for now, he was one person that seemed mature for his age and grounded in life. I was just heading to Japan when he started university and when I came back he was the one that somehow I got along with on a close level. We just had a comfort level where I just could just be around them and not have to talk or be responsible in sense that I didn’t have to watch out for every move someone did. The only problem was he was way younger than me. I think there is a 7-8 year difference between us; I couldn’t get over the fact that there was so much of an age difference. He was just starting school and the adult life and I was finishing my second degree and moving on with life.
Most recent boy to enter my life was CJD, he was a guy that seemed like he needed to prove himself and was definitely playing the field. I met him at my friend’s wedding and halfway through the trip we bonded and just vegged out together. We didn’t have to talk a lot and just could forget about the wedding and relax. He was a gentleman and crazy at times but he seemed like an interesting person to know on the trip but when we came back, it was gone. Talking became harder and it just seemed like I would get a lot of flack about liking him so I kept it to myself and convinced myself that it wouldn’t have worked.
Sometimes in life these are the misses in life where you see the card but you won’t see the face value of them because you just shuffle the card back in to the deck. And then you have the ones you see and wish you never saw or venture out to know. Knowledge is not power but instead it can and could be a handicap. Knowing too much is never a good and it could lead to heart break. I have this really bad habit of not liking the guy after a while and question my sanity in why I choose to like them in the first place. I still don’t know what I want in a man in my life but I know there are some cues for me to look for. But still I know I will have to compromise and find the happy medium where I see some of my friends are at now. They have that inner peace of happiness that only can be brought when you find your other half. I don’t oppose dating at all when it is someone that can complement you, help you grow as a person and make you a better person. Life is funny how people in the past are clues into what you are looking for in a partner.
I know this year I am going to try and open my mind to concept of finding someone to make me smile that someone out there really cares enough about me to be with me. I know lately I have been irrationally, temperamental and unhappy but there is someone out there to accept me as I am and like me as I am. I am content at being single but I want to travel if I can’t find someone to love.
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